A lackluster Montreal Canadiens team is only complemented by the miserable football CFL Alouettes and snoozetastic soccer MLS Impact, which each only play a handful of home games per season.
Baseball is not a realistic option, as the investment required for a stadium and team are too onerous, while the dollar makes high salaries even more ridiculous and backstabbling Toronto continues to undermine Montreal's hopes of breaking up their Canadian MLB monopoly.
Pro wrestling? Roller Derby? Not want!
But getting a serious, top-notch basketball team is entirely feasible, however not by following the obvious path.
This means that many basketball-hungry cities such as Seattle, Louisville, Vancouver Austin, San Jose, Las Vegas and Omaha have no hopes of getting an NBA franchise.
Montreal already has a facility for a pro basketball team in the form of the Bell Centre, which has plenty of holes on its schedule that it would love to fill.
And yes, pro basketball would attract fans, as proven in sold-out annual exhibition games held here.
All the Bell Centre would need is some removable floors, a pair of hoops and some running shoes and JUMPING JAMES NAISMITH!! it's time to bounce baby!
Montreal could simply combine with other cities that want an NBA team and start a rival league of its own.
All that would be required for a few teams to lure a big star away from the NBA or get them straight from the college ranks.
This might not be as hard as it appears.
NBA salaries are subject to a salary cap, which means that the big names don't get paid as much as they deserve.
The top 10-highest paid NBA players earn between $27 and $35 million per season. a new league could offer each of those stars $50 million per season, which isn't much considering that the league would only need a handful of them.
Other than about two dozen superstars, the NBA is full of replaceable no-namers.
A new league could easily rival that level of play by scouring the endless pool of failed basketball hopefuls from around the world, as basketball is rumoured to be played everywhere from Tasmania to Tashkent to Taipei.
Montreal and its upstart basketball league could further undermine the NBA by innovating with viewer-friendly razzle-dazzle: 4 point and even 10 point shots depending on how far the shooter stands from the basket and floors that light up with animation.
The NBA would ask somewhere from $750 million to $1 billion for an expansion team but not only would Montreal not have to pay a cent to launch its squad, it could later make big money by selling expansion rights to other teams once the league takes off.
Returning a MLB baseball franchise to Montreal would cost in the ballpark of $1 billion but getting a top-level pro basketball team would cost a fraction of that.
Names? Coolopolis has 'em: Montreal Heros, Montreal Impeccable, Montreal Bouncers, Montreal Action, Montreal Bourgeois, Montreal Dunk, Montreal Joie de Vivre, Montreal Mechants, Montreal Silhouettes.
The mascot? Coolopolis has one here for you called Chimples.